Who Are You Becoming?
There is a curious phenomenon I've noticed both personally and clinically. People often tell me they want to heal before dating again, spending months – sometimes years – working on themselves after a breakup. But even the word “healing” feels incomplete. Not because healing isn’t important – because it implies a finish line. Instead, life is an unfolding. A continual remembering. The relationship with ourselves and who we are becoming is the most important relationship we'll ever have. Perhaps the better question isn’t, “Am I healed enough to be in relationship?” Perhaps it’s, “Who am I becoming while I walk this path?”
People often pause their lives while waiting for someone else to arrive or they begin walking someone else’s path. This path is not about dating or even partnership. This is about remembering that your life did not begin when you met someone and it doesn’t end when they leave. Some people enter the path with us briefly, and some for decades. The path itself never changes ownership because it has always been yours. This work invites us back to our own path so that, regardless of whether someone joins us for a season or much of our lifetime, we never have to leave ourselves behind in order to keep walking together. The invitation, then, is to remain deeply committed to your own unfolding. I have found daily practices that cultivate and nurture the relationship with myself. Things I’ve asked myself and spent time discovering are things like, “What lights me up when no one else is around? What am I becoming? What keeps me connected to myself?” The intention is to listen and connect. If I stop listening to myself, parts of me disappear inside relationships. The goal of practice isn’t self-love; it’s self-relationship.
The real challenge presents when we quietly stop becoming. After a breakup or a loss, people generally feel the pull to get back on track or reconnect with themselves again. They return to therapy. They begin journaling. They start a meditation practice. They reconnect with friends. They travel, create, exercise, and discover new interests. They rediscover forgotten parts of themselves out of deep curiosity. Then they fall in love... and slowly stop doing many of the very things that helped them find themselves in the first place. There's an underlying illusion that once we get into a relationship, we no longer need to work on ourselves. It’s not necessarily an intentional self-abandonment - the goal just quietly shifts, and the relationship becomes the new destination.
The relationship with ourselves is the one relationship that exists before every other relationship and will be the one that ultimately remains after every one ends. I don’t maintain a meditation, yoga, journaling, or spiritual practice because I’m trying to become a more worthy partner. I’m not creating, learning, or exploring with the intention of being ‘healed’ either. I’m doing these things because they help me know myself. I’m trying to become a more conscious human being. Friendship benefits. Parenting benefits. Leadership benefits. Every relationship benefits because everything else grows organically out of this. Partnership is just one expression of it. Yoga has never been about arriving. Meditation has never been about arriving. It’s about curiosity and noticing.
One of the greatest teachers of this philosophy for me has been yoga. When I first began my yoga practice over ten years ago, I had very little understanding of what it was. At the time, I thought it was just about movement and stress reduction. But as I began practicing more, I noticed so much more was happening. I was finding a new way of connecting to my body that I never had before and I was excited. And with each day, I began learning new skills and moving more gracefully. I learned how to set an intention before each practice by listening within. I watched as my mind and body began working in harmony and I could drop any expectations or judgements for how the pose was supposed to look. As it has evolved over time, I show up to the mat fully present, excited about what is to unfold. Awareness isn’t something you finish – it's something you return to. Every day. The questions to ask ourselves are, “What habits return me to myself?” and “Who am I becoming because of them?” In this way, we start focusing more on who we are and loving what's there and loving every part that reveals itself to us. Our task isn't becoming someone worthy of love; our task is becoming increasingly honest with ourselves. The invitation is to become a more fully expressed version of ourselves. Our essence is already there; we simply remember who we’ve always been.
Every relationship reveals another room within us. Different people illuminate different places if we just look a little closer. One relationship may reveal a deeply imbedded abandonment wound, while another reveals the innate joy and playfulness within us that we have yearned for. Some relationships reveal fear. Others reveal generosity. Another may reveal where we’ve left ourselves behind. Each relationship offers something different if we're willing to remain curious. There’s so much to uncover and discover by taking the time in objective observation. While we're in relationship, they serve as mirrors. When they end, they often become a compass. There’s no usefulness in judgement – only in revelations.
Many of us have experienced looking around after a relationship ends and realizing... “I don’t know where I went. I feel like I’ve lost myself somewhere.” That’s heartbreaking, but beautiful at the same time. I once heard the late spiritual teacher, Ram Dass, say to a woman, “Great! That’s the perfect place to be!” after a divorce when she told him, “I don’t know who I am.” I believe the sentiment was that it’s time to pick up the pieces and return home to yourself. It may be unfamiliar at first, but returning to our routines we once held dear, our creative expression, friendships, stillness, curiosity, and ultimately, our relationship with ourselves becomes more familiar than any other relationship we’ve ever had. That’s because it’s our authenticity. It’s vulnerable, it’s true, and it’s liberated. We just have to begin. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” - Tao Te Ching.
When partnership finds its way back to us, it now becomes something entirely different than the goal. It becomes a companionship. We begin to stop looking for someone to prove we’re loveable. I don't think the longing to ever find a true connection with someone that feels like home entirely subsides. Longing isn't the problem - attachment is. The longing may remain, but longing isn’t unhealthy. There is nothing wrong with longing for deeper connection, meaningful work, or a loving partnership. The difficulty begins when our attention becomes organized around what we don't yet have rather than what is already here. What changes when we focus on our own becoming is the desperation. We no longer ask someone else to become responsible for our wholeness, but instead, we invite someone into a life we’re already actively inhabiting. The goal is not to stop desiring connection. The goal is to stop abandoning ourselves in order to have it.
The path to self-becoming is never-ending. There is always something to discover about ourselves, always something waiting to unfold within us. It is called a path, after all. Some of us move through life without realizing we’re already walking a path. But once you figure out you have been sleepwalking through the path this whole time, you open your eyes and begin walking with purpose and intention, noticing every challenge along the way as an opportunity to grow stronger and wiser. It’s perfectly fine to begin the process of healing from past traumas, heartbreak, and wounds because we all have to find a moment in life where we make the decision to stop carrying our past with us on the path. It’s necessary to lighten the load. At some point we realize healing was never the destination. Healing simply created enough space for becoming. Then, when the path of another crosses over into ours and we walk beside each other for a while, we no longer expect one another to arrive before we begin walking together. And perhaps the healthiest partnerships are built by people who never stopped becoming. Those who remain curious, open, and awake. Those who continue returning to themselves again and again.
Relationships were never asking us to become someone different. They were always inviting us to become more fully ourselves. Becoming aware of the patterns we have been repeating, the ways we have self-abandoned, and the identities we’ve created to please others or feel worthy of love are revealed through the mirror of relationship. And having the insight and wisdom to realize those protective strategies are no longer serving our becoming is the first step toward living a life of greater freedom and authenticity. Some people will walk beside us on our path for a season. Others for much longer. What matters most is that, through every encounter, we remain devoted to the relationship that made every other relationship possible – the one we continue cultivating with ourselves.
Perhaps the question isn’t whether you’re ready for partnership.
Perhaps the deeper question is this:
Wherever this path leads next…
are you continuing to become?
Relationships will come and go. Seasons will change. What remains is the lifelong relationship you continue cultivating with yourself. May every step on your path invite you back to greater awareness, deeper authenticity, and the quiet unfolding of who you are becoming.